Winds of Change: My 20s Memoir

Written on December 2nd , 2024 by Naveen

“If you are always trying to be normal you will never know how amazing you can be.” ~Maya Angelou

Entering 20s, about half-way to somewhere

“There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.” ~Beverly Sills

Growing up, we were instilled with the belief that excelling in academics, earning a good income, having a happy family, and staying healthy are the ultimate goals in life.

I entered my 20s weighed down by regrets over all the “what-ifs” in my academic journey. But you know you can’t be upset for the results you didn’t get for the efforts you didn’t put. These regrets felt like an immense burden - until I met a few prodigies who had achieved remarkable success entirely on their own. Inspired and awed by their accomplishments, I set out on a journey to achieve similar feats, but on my own terms.

“Every mountain top is within your reach if you just keep climbing.” ~Barry Finlay

Despite facing multiple failures, I kept pushing forward, gradually reaching a point where I could passionately pursue my career. The confidence I gained along the way made me feel ready to take on real challenges - but fate had more lessons. My relentless focus on career growth led me to overlook the experiences that many others cherished. Yet, back then, none of those things mattered to me.

Amidst the chaos of academics, assignments, my thesis, the pandemic, job interviews, and exams, I managed to graduate and secure a job, yay!

Shit, mid-20s - when all hell broke loose!

The exciting post-academic life had begun - new friends, a new place, a new job, good money, and a fresh start altogether. A much-needed change, indeed. Seeing how well things were going, my parents inevitably brought up the topic of finding me a partner. Half-excited, half-anxious, I embraced it as just another phase of life. But deep down, I knew I needed to understand myself better first. As an extreme introvert who had spent most of my life avoiding social interactions, the whole idea felt like an ordeal I wasn’t sure I was ready for.

Despite my apprehensions, I took a leap forward. I had always admired relationships where partners complemented each other, so I envisioned finding someone who could fill the gaps in my personality. With a confident demeanor, I set out to meet potential partners. I found myself most drawn to those who were adventurous and sporty - qualities I felt were missing in my own life. But reality hit hard, making me soon realized that the idea of “complementing each other” was nothing more than an illusion. People naturally gravitate toward those who share similar interests.

“I am not going to wait for someone to make me whole. Instead, I am going to take all of the love I have been giving everyone else, and I am going to give it to myself.” ~Bianca Sparacino

Upon each unpleasant encounter, my self-confidence took a blow. Slowly, I spiraled into despair, sinking to a depth where nothing that once excited me was able to get my interest anymore. All that remained was darkness. I gave up hope. I barely managed to keep myself going. Then, as if by divine intervention, I picked up my old phone upon a notification and saw an image from years ago - a childhood picture of my sister and me, sitting in our mother’s lap. I stared at it, lost in thought, overwhelmed by memories of my parents’ unconditional love. A sudden jolt of enlightenment hit me. I was reminded of all the hardships my parents had endured for us. In that instant, I decided to let go of my past disappointments - or rather see them as lesson and opportunities to grow beyond who I was. With a renewed determination, I threw myself into self-reflection and self-exploration.

It was also painful to witness the passing of both my grandfathers, and my great-grandfather. The memories of their love, the way they pampered me, and the care they showed are forever etched in my heart. As the Bhagavad Gita says, “Whatever is born shall perish, and whatever perishes shall be born again.” So, with hope in my heart, I trust that our paths will cross once more in another form.

“From time to time, trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something you believed.” ~Bianca Sparacino

Birth of a maverick

Early on, I realized that no one was going to fill the gaps in my life - it was my responsibility to complete myself. Driven by an intense desire to grow, I began confronting my fears: the fear of water, the fear of talking to new people, the fear of heights, the fear of uncertainty. As someone who once considered himself a complete coward, these mountains seemed impossible to scale. Overwhelmed by it all, I found myself surrendering to fear once again, spiraling into despair. But I refused to let fear define me. Using my motivation as a guiding light, I resolved to tackle one challenge at a time.

“Be gentle with yourself; you are still learning.” ~Bianca Sparacino

Laughing off the setbacks, I started fresh. First, I conquered my fear of water, then my fear of heights. With each these victories came a newfound sense of achievement, accompanied by an exhilarating adrenaline rush. I embraced them so much that I not only overcame them - I grew to love them. What once seemed insurmountable just months ago had now become second nature. Yet, even as I made progress, a pinch of lingering resentment remained - until it was swept away by the love of my life, which arrived in the form of a bicycle. Looking back, I can only describe it as my deus ex machina. With it, no road felt too long, no mountain too tall. Endurance cycling has not only become a passion but has also shaped me into a stronger, more resilient person - one that mere words cannot fully capture.

Just when I was on cloud nine with my newfound love for cycling, I happened to see a poster for a marathon in my city. Since running had never even crossed my mind, I walked past the crowd, uninterested. However, that changed the moment I saw the runners towards the finish line - some panting, some exhausted, and some even crying in joy. Watching them surged the adrenaline in me, and in that moment, I made a promise to myself that I would participate in a 10K run the following year. Running 10 kilometers felt like a long shot, but I feared that if I didn’t commit, I would keep taking myself for granted. So, I gathered the courage to train. At first, running even 5 kilometers felt like a massive achievement. But with the race in mind, I pushed myself a little harder each time until I could finally complete 10 kilometers. Skipping the mundane training details - race day had arrived! My adrenaline was pumping so hard that I was certain a personal record was within reach. And that’s exactly what happened.

Right after crossing the finish line, my next challenge became clear: a half marathon. It seemed like a distant goal, but what if I treated it as an exercise to break through my mental barriers? So I took up the challenge, registered for a half marathon the following year and I trained relentlessly. I was determined to complete it with a sub-two hour duration. But I’ve exceed my expectation when I finished the run with 5 minutes to spare. A profound sense of pride started shaping up - things I had never even considered attempting were now becoming my strengths. The feeling was even more rewarding when I inspired both my sister and my father to take up running.

“The miracle isn’t that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.” ~John Bingham

Among the many experiences that shaped my growth, scaling real mountains transformed my perspective on challenges. Facing hailstorms, battling vertigo on exposed ledges, crossing landslides, and navigating razor-sharp ridges - all these experiences taught me that what once felt insurmountable in daily life could be overcome with just a fraction of the determination I had in those moments. More importantly, the mountains taught me the true value of comrades - not just as companions on the journey, but as lifelines when the survival is being threatened. Watching mountain peaks sent chills down my spine - a powerful reminder that I am alive and that nothing is ever too far to reach. The mountains also taught me a valuable lesson: more than the ascents, it’s the descents that require the greatest care - just as in life itself.

While all of this helped me build my character at an astonishing rate, there were still moments that shook my confidence and threatened to pull me back into the darkness. Though these struggles manifested in different ways and areas of my life, their roots were deeply buried in expectations and bitter experiences. Yet, despite repeatedly falling, I found the courage to rise again - each time with unwavering enthusiasm. This resilience became the most self-cherishable trait I possessed. A harsh confrontation with myself revealed a difficult truth: I had been longing for acceptance, love, and trust. No matter how many achievements I had to my name, this longing continued to weigh me down. It became clear that while I knew what I wanted out of life, these emotional burdens weren’t just obstacles - they were disorienting me from my North Star.

“How they make you feel says a lot about them and nothing about you. Trust me when I say someone who makes you question if you are worthy of being loved is not worthy of being loved by you.” ~Bianca Sparacino

The funeral

To prevent these problems from recurring, I devised a plan - a funeral to lay the old me to rest. I gathered all my regrets, visualized them burning to ashes, and broke free from habits that no longer served my growth. Though easier said than done, I felt a weird sense of joy and satisfaction in picturing the very things that cause regret getting destroyed by flames. While putting this into words is difficult, the most important takeaway is that I emerged from it with no anxieties, no remorse, and no regrets. On my 30th birthday, I welcomed Naveen 2.0 - more optimistic, jovial, and adventurous than ever. Hell-bent on achieving what I want and carefree in the best way possible, I stepped into this new chapter with redefined purpose.

“Carry as little as possible, but choose that little with care.” ~Earl Shaffer

Retrospection

Looking back, I realize that every hardship was merely a stepping stone, guiding me towards my true calling - as if all the adversities had conspired to bring out the best in me and introduce me to the best life had to offer, a transformation essential for my metamorphosis. How pitiful my life would have been had I settled for something less! It’s almost laughable now that I once cared about people’s opinions. Had it not been for this journey of self-exploration, I wouldn’t have found the path that led me to hike the Himalayas, the Dolomites, and the Pyrenees, or to dive into the Arabian Sea and the Mediterranean Sea, I wouldn’t have met all the incredible friends I have today.

“Stay soft. Do not let the things that have hurt you turn you into a person you are not.” ~Bianca Sparacino

Everything and everyone I have despised and cursed - I forgive you. Not because you deserve to be forgiven, but because I deserve freedom from all the memories that have held me a hostage. You were merely a glitch in my story, not the entire story.

Will I make my dreams come true? Will I find the love I’ve been longing for? Only time will tell. But one thing is certain - my determination to never give up on what is within my control has only grown stronger.

“I will know my work is done when they ask: ‘Do you like yourself’ and with ruthless confidence, with a certainty that comes from every tender part of who I am, I answer, ‘yes.’” ~Bianca Sparacino

The mountains are calling and I must go. With loads of love, Naveen 2.0.